


crunch crunch

by magneticwave



Series: the longest night [2]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 21:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21106100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magneticwave/pseuds/magneticwave
Summary: Sansa Stark, Shae Lannister & Nymeria Sand? // Happy Friday, Wholigans! We’re delivering another edition of Who’s There, our weekly call in show where we respond to your questions, comments, and concerns. This week, we discuss the hot guy that Sansa Stark took to the Oscars, Shae Lannister’s most recent bizarre Instagram spon, and which, if any, of Oberyn Martell’s hundreds of children are Thems.





	crunch crunch

**Author's Note:**

> Probably you do not need to listen to Who? Weekly to understand the premise of this bizarre crack fic my sleep-deprived brain cooked up, but I strongly recommend that you do if you enjoy laughing hysterically and strange celeb gossip.

BOBBY: Welcome to Who? Weekly, the podcast where you learn everything you need to know about the celebrities you don’t. I’m Bobby Finger.

LINDSEY: And I’m Lindsey Weber.

BOBBY: Aaand we’re moving straight into the first call because it is perfect.

CALLER [staticky]: Hot guy with hot redhead, please discuss.

[Long pause]

BOBBY: I love this caller.

LINDSEY: No greeting, no sign off—

BOBBY: Not...really any identifiable information of any kind.

LINDSEY: —just straight to business. Hot guy, hot redhead, please discuss.

BOBBY: This was a meme for like twelve seconds on Monday.

LINDSEY: I mean, _ barely _.

BOBBY: Okay, twelve seconds Sunday night. Because Sunday night was the Oscars, which we know that you guys know because we got approximately four hundred calls about it.

LINDSEY: And half of them were about the hot dude with the hot redhead.

BOBBY: Wait, wait, I should say that this is Who’s There, our weekly call-in show. [LINDSEY laughs in the background] Call 819-WHO-THEM with your comments, concerns, questions, memes about gingers…

LINDSEY: Okay this is _ not _ a ginger meme. 

BOBBY: I mean, isn’t it?

LINDSEY: No.

BOBBY [up in pitch]: _ Isn’t it? _

LINDSEY: No! It’s a meme about a redhead but it’s not—like, a ginger meme is about how having red hair fucks you over. And this meme, I think inarguably, is about a redhead winning everything. It’s the opposite of a ginger meme.

BOBBY: Are you tired of saying the word meme yet?

LINDSEY: I mean, always.

BOBBY: An-y-way, the Oscars were awful and boring, just like they are every year. _ The Longest Night _ won literally every award.

LINDSEY: Is Adele an EGOT yet? Does this make her an EGOT?

BOBBY: Wait. Maybe?

LINDSEY: Hmm, wait, maybe she was only nominated for that Emmy. Let me check.

BOBBY: Okay, moving on, because the Oscars were sooooo boring this year, the second that literally one interesting thing happened, everybody latched onto it like starving hoards of Dothraki.

LINDSEY: She was only nominated.

BOBBY: Did you see what I did there? Get it? _ Dothraki _?

LINDSEY: Bobby, no.

BOBBY: Because there were all those Dothraki in the movie?

LINDSEY: Bobby.

BOBBY: Josh likes my Dothraki jokes.

LINDSEY: We’ve already established that Josh’s taste is questionable. He listens to our show. He’s a long time / long time. Anyway, if we can—get back to the hot redhead, who is Sansa Stark. She wrote the script for _ The Longest Night _.

BOBBY: And _ Highgarden Hijinks _, Lindsey’s favorite holiday movie. A Hallmark Channel classic!

LINDSEY [gasps]: You’re right, I had totally forgotten! But we found out when we were researching her the last time we talked about her on the show. Aw, I love that movie.

BOBBY: Right, because she was engaged to Joffrey Baratheon and then he left her—maybe cheated? Probably cheated. With Margarey Tyrell.

LINDSEY: Joffrey Baratheon, Who or Them?

BOBBY: Okay, one, two, three--

BOTH [staggered unison]: ...Them?

BOBBY: Probationary Them.

LINDSEY: Bobby we _ have _ to stop qualifying these. The terms aren’t going to mean anything if we keep being like “oh, but a Sunspear Them.”

BOBBY: No, no, this is totally a thing. He’s a Them right now because like everyone has seen that movie twelve times in theaters, and he got nominated for an Oscar, but he could go back to being a Who in like six months.

LINDSEY: You think? _ Everyone _ has seen this movie. My grandma has seen this movie. Cher has probably seen this movie!

BOBBY: You think Cher saw _ The Longest Night _?

LINDSEY: She was in _ Mamma Mia 3 _with Margarey Tyrell. I bet they’re like...light friends. Margarey Tyrell has very strong young Cher vibes. Like, I think Margarey Tyrell will also be glamorous and scary when she’s 80.

BOBBY: Okay, but, do you remember the name of the guy in _ Avatar _?

LINDSEY: Hmmm.

BOBBY: Ex. Actly. In six months, Joffrey Baratheon could be a Who again. What was he even doing before he made this movie?

LINDSEY: I mean. Nothing. That’s the point--I mean, the scandal, right? That’s the scandal, is that he wasn’t famous and so he got his fiancee to write this script as a vehicle, and then he cheated on her with his co-star. Apparently _ they’re _ getting married now? But I’ll believe that when I see it. Two divas like that? It’ll never work.

BOBBY: Either they won’t get married, or Margarey will like murder him.

LINDSEY [laughing]: Yeah, you know, it could go either way.

BOBBY: But you know who is a Who?

LINDSEY: Hot Redhead.

BOBBY: Hot Redhead, aka Sansa Stark, aka Academy Award-winning screenwriter Sansa Stark. If you’re both nominated for Oscars and only one of you wins, does that mean you’ve won the break-up?

LINDSEY: Who cares that she won an Oscar? She won the break-up because she brought that absurdly hot guy as her date. Margarey Tyrell is gorg, obviously, but that guy was ridiculous.

BOBBY: And he’s not even an actor!

LINDSEY: Yeah, he’s just a normal dude. A normal hot dude.

BOBBY: We got lots of callers asking us who he was, is he like some kind of up and coming actor? Is he going to be the next recipient of a Sansa Stark script?

LINDSEY: But no.

BOBBY: There’s like no info on this out there and Sansa Stark doesn’t have a PR team because she’s...not actually a celebrity, but a lot of Internet Detectives noticed something in her speech, I’m going to put the clip in here, that seemed to be about him.

LINDSEY: Because they cut to him.

BOBBY: Right, because the cameras cut to him when she said it.

[Pause]

SANSA STARK [breathless]: Thanks so much to the production team at Lion’s Hand--especially Tyrion Lannister, who listened to my pitch about how we were going to do a historically accurate biographical drama and trusted me to actually write that, which no other sane human being would have done. [Audience laughs] And thank you, Jon, for answering all of my questions about Dornish politics and--and what Aegon Targaryen would have worn and _ slang _, thank you for actually knowing slang from the sixth century, you--ridiculous man. [Laughter] Thank you.

BOBBY: So, probably he’s Jon.

LINDSEY: It seems likely that the normal hot guy is named Jon, the Internet Detectives were not just pulling something out of their ass here. And it turns out if you look up people named Jon who would know something about fucking sixth century slang or whatever, you get basically one answer. A historian at the Westerosi Museum.

BOBBY: I was telling Josh about this and he _ lost. his. mind. _

LINDSEY: Josh would.

BOBBY: I know, it’s a good thing that this guy is dating Sansa Stark or Josh would probably leave me for him. A hot historian? I’d be done for.

LINDSEY: So his name is Jon Snow, PhD, and he’s the--wait, I wrote this down, because I knew I would get it wrong and we’d get thirty calls about it--okay, he’s the Director of Collections and Research for Northern Westeros and Prehistory at the Westerosi Museum. Which basically makes him, what. The Stephen Hawking of historians?

BOBBY: Yes. Obviously. [Pause] Probably.

[Cackling laughter]

BOBBY: Okay, either way, he’s both hot and super smart, which means Sansa Stark has _ definitely _ won the break-up.

LINDSEY: They’re definitely dating, right?

BOBBY: Obviously!

LINDSEY: I’m just saying, nothing has been confirmed.

BOBBY: You don’t just take a _ friend _ to the Oscars! I mean, you do if you’re Chris Evans and you’ve been to like forty of them. But if you’re a screenwriter and it’s your first Oscar nomination, you either bring your very serious boyfriend-slash-husband, or your mom.

LINDSEY: Okay, yes, that’s fair.

BOBBY: We have to move on.

LINDSEY: Okay, next call.

BOBBY: Wait, sorry, we can’t move on yet--

LINDSEY [cackling]: Bobby!

BOBBY: --because I found out something wild about Sansa Stark yesterday that I wanted to tell you. Did you know that her sister is that Olympic fencer who went on that Twitter rampage about Title IX violations at University of Wintertown?

LINDSEY: Sorry, what?

BOBBY: There’s a lot to unpack here. Remember that huge drama a few years ago because it turned out University of Wintertown wasn’t allocating their Title IX funds the way they were supposed to--like, men and women’s sports are supposed to get the same amount of money?

LINDSEY: Right.

BOBBY: Right, so, it turns out UW just wasn’t doing it, and they settled the lawsuit about it out of court. So no one knew, because there were NDAs blah blah blah--but then one of the student athletes found out, and she _ hadn’t _ signed an NDA, and she went _ off _ on Twitter.

LINDSEY: Oh, wait, I think I remember this. Is this the ‘fuck u birdboy’ thing?

BOBBY: Yes, exactly. Because the UW mascot is a northern eagle.

LINDSEY: Oh my gods that was so funny. I’m remembering it now. She was so funny! She went to the Olympics?

BOBBY: Yeah, last year in Astapor. She won bronze!

LINDSEY: This is wild. A family of Whos, and we had no idea!

BOBBY: Their Wikipedia pages are, respectively and when read back-to-back, _ sublime _.

LINDSEY: I love this. We love a family of Whos.

BOBBY: Yes, we absolutely do. Okay, _ now _ we’re moving on. Next call!


End file.
